FEBRUARY 14 IS VD

Rita: Let’s see what others think about the mid-February, made-up holiday for lovers. Lolita, go grab Tim—he’s just about to buy that tacky, pink heart-shaped box of chocolates. Lolita: I’m not going to stop him—he’s probably buying it for me. I’ll wait ’til he comes out of the CVS. Excuse me Tim, I couldn’t help notice that you were just thinking about me, so I wanted to know—what are your feelings about Valentine’s Day? TIM MUNGENAST (… & His Preexisting Conditions): Sure, Valentine’s Day may be a scam to sell cards and candy (and SUVs, if you believe those stupid, stupid TV ads), but honestly, we guys often have a mental block about actually telling our women how much we love them, and if it takes a Madison Avenue phony-baloney holiday to jump-start us, that may not be such a bad thing. But I swear if I see one more TV ad where some moneybag eedjit gives his woman a gift-wrapped SUV (in that fashionably ultra-boring silver, no less), I will puke like a guy who went jogging after five Southern Comfort eggnogs. Lolita: I’m so pleased that Tim is considering buying me an SUV supplied with a lot of Southern Comfort. But someone please hint to him that I’d prefer a hybrid full of Jack. *** FRANK ROWE (Classic Ruins): Since the ’80s I have prepared an elaborate valentine for my Chosen Valentine. It’s a rebus—a sequence of pictures of objects that spell out a message. Example: a bunch of polka dots, followed by an arm, followed by a moray eel spells, dots-arm-moray:’ That’s Amore.’ Denise said they had to be more elaborate each year, and her last few were carved on pieces of furniture I built. Now I’ve toned back. So, anyway, to me the approach of Valentine’s Day means it’s time to begin The Project. *** CHRIS MULVEY (Muy Cansado): To be cheesy and quote a movie, “Valentine’s Day is a holiday made up for greeting card companies to make people feel bad about themselves’’ (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). I haven’t had a girlfriend the last three years and unless something miraculous happens I won’t have one this coming Valentine’s Day either. I have no problem with that, but Valentine’s Day still sucks. It’s a reminder that other people spend the day with “someone special” and you go home alone and wonder if that girl you used to date is still single. Fuck it. *** STEPHIE PEEKA (...& The SeeKing 7): Valentine’s Day is bloody rot. I feel like throwing up just thinking of it. Even if you are with the one you want, it’s horseshite—like a holiday for fifth graders. Enjoy it kiddies before it gets vile. And you buy into the big machine perpetuating crap. Bloody rotters. *** MR. CURT (Mr. Curt Ensemble/ Peace Chorus): Next to our birthdays, this is the most magical of personal celebrations, never forgotten and always attended to. When you’ve truly been in love as long as Ms. Donna and myself (yikes–almost forty years!), it’s a positive must. *** MIKE MYLES (Rude Toys): Invented by Hallmark to make a buck... like they didn’t get enough at Christmas. *** CHRIS BRAT (The Acro-brats/ The Throwaways): People are always giving me candy and expensive gifts and asking me out to dinner on Valentine’s Day, so I guess it’s all right. *** DOUGLAS DESPRES (Douglas Despres Photography): This is a day that is all about one thing. Forget romance, this is an excuse to pamper your mate and have a mind-blowing baby-making fun time. Blast the music, bring on the wine, and don’t forget the chocolate. *** NANCY DELANEY (Temper/ The Cello Chix): Call me a romantic but Valentine’s Day is a way for Russell Stover and Hallmark to generate sales. If you really love someone you don’t need a special day to prove it. When it comes to amorous February holidays I prefer Mardi Gras. *** MICHAEL EPSTEIN (The Motion Sick/ Okay Thursday): I think that Marnie would be overwhelmed by the redness of the decorations, that those candy hearts are chalky, and that few romantic comedies are even watchable. *** TREVOR GRAHAM-WILCOX (Hundred Years War): Valentines Day was more fun in elementary school. Back then we were annually instructed to express romantic love for our whole class. Now we are told to focus those feelings on a specific person on February 14th. But don’t we have the rest of the year to do that? Maybe I’ll bust out my 4th grade yearbook, make a list and send everyone a candy heart that says “miss you” or “hug me” or some crap. *** MISS LYN (Boston Groupie News): I hate Valentine’s Day because I see all these guys running around with flowers in their arms, on the way to their girlfriends to profess their love! Or, as I walked down the street, I have to see couples out on dates, walking around hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm bein’ lovey-dovey and me, I’m perpetually ALONE! And it sucks. I try to stay home and hide from the smiling happy people... grrrrrrr. *** AARON SINCLAIR (Frank Smith): Sure would be nice to have some. *** MIKE SERRA (Build A Machine): My feelings about Valentine’s Day are a mixed bag. For those of us out there who have a true loving relationship, it is a most excellent holiday because you get all macked out, put the moves on, and get some sweetass lovin’ at the end of the night. You make your girl feel like she’s the queen of the world. But, for all the single people out there, it can make you feel like the loneliest, unloved, pathetic excuse of a human being. That’s why you gotta go get very drunk with your closest lonely, unloved, and pathetic friends. *** DAVID KIRKDORFFER (UNDO): Champagne, chocolate, and a bit of a sqweeze with the missus checking out her soft-centre—what’s not to love? *** JORDAN VALENTINE (World’s Greatest Sinners): Baby, every day is Jordan Valentine’s day. *** CARL BIANCUCCI (Classic Ruins): I’m in favor of any day that might result in me enjoying coitus or chocolate. Lolita: A man of my dreams. How ’bout we combine the experiences?