THE PRESIDENTIAL COMPETITION

Rita: Grabbing those headlines are what’s it’s all about. But what are the real issues? How ’bout if we run our own little competition? Let’s see who can come up with the best idea of what the presidential candidates should debate. Okay now, take a number and state your debate suggestion. TIM MUNGENAST (Tim Mungenast & His Preexisting Conditions): Well, since they’re already debating the deficit, the bombed-out economy, our over reliance on fossil fuel, and out half-trillion-dollar war in Iraq, I’d like them to discuss scrapping the Federal Reserve and/or investigating what REALLY happened on 9/11. *** KAREN DeBIASSE (Girl On Top): The new world order and what they’re going to do about it. All of the candidates are all puppets of it anyway so to me it’s just one big show to make us believe we live in a democracy. *** FRANK ROWE (Classic Ruins): I would like to see the candidates debate the question of whether we even need a president at all. Might we not simply install an official simulacron puppet to deliver the priorities of whoever is actually running things instead of continuing the laughable fiction that we are not already doing so? And this mannequin could look like anyone... Santa, Elvis, Bigfoot, Soupy Sales. We could change heads every week and thus spare the election hysteria. The best part is that if the candidates debated this idea, at least one would have to be in favor! *** CARLA DeLELLIS (Johnny D’s): Why doesn’t anyone have the balls to stand up and say it is not okay to discriminate against gays in marriage? It’s a character litmus test every presidential candidate is failing. *** C. MOON MULLINS (Ultrasonic Rock Orchestra/ Damned Dirty Ape): Human rights. The nation has turned from one that stands against the principal of torture, to one that uses torture. Once this nation stood for freedom, and now we propagate fear. Once, we led the world in respect for humans, and now, we vie for leadership in treating people like shit, in both foreign and domestic policy. I would invite the candidates to discuss the numerous specific examples of human rights violations comprise our new national policies: 1) Preemptive military attacks. 2) Suppression of prisoners’ rights. 3) Torture. 4) Lying about maters pertaining to national policy (blowjobs okay; WMD in Iraq, not ok). 5) Policy and (grrrr) business related to health care. *** CHUCK U. ROSINA (WMFO/ WMBR): I would like to see Clinton apologize for her vote to authorize Bush’s war way back when (like Edwards did), and it would be great if both Democratic candidates could come up with honest plans for dismantling our bases in Iraq. *** DAVE TREE (SuperPower/ Drugwar): What I’d like to see debated by the candidates is what responsibilities and consequences should George W. Bush and Dick Cheney and company face for outright lying and misleading this country into a war in Iraq. For one of the most serious crimes committed in this century what penalties do they believe this administration should pay? I believe they should be treated like a common drug dealer; that way not only do they do hard time in a real prison but all their money and assets are taken by the government, which could be used to finance the problems they have created. Lolita: Dave gets my vote! It takes a genius to come up with an idea that is so simple that we all don’t automatically don’t think of it ourselves. Rita: I agree. Let’s see our so-called leaders take some responsibility for the mess they’ve created.