ON THE ROAD

Rita: We may think the price of gas is expensive, but in the UK right now the price translates to over $9 a gallon. We should get some stories from bands on the road—soon only the wealthiest of bands will be traveling. Lolita: Sounds like a good time to start paying attention to the bands that live in your area. Rita: Lolita, stop gabbing and go ask your friends to tell you stories about being on the road. Lolita: Ahh, there’s my favorite centerfold, umm, I mean big shot, from last year—I’ll find out what Jim’s done on the road. JIM HEALEY (We’re All Gonna Die): We are used to touring in a van, playing small clubs and sleeping on couches when we tour in the States. We toured Ireland last summer and we expected to do the same. We ended up playing a fucking castle and the promoter put us up in very nice hotels ever night, not to mention the five star one in Dublin: turndown service, robes, slippers… needless to say, that was a great tour. *** BILLY BORGIOLI (the Varmints 2008): While in Sydney, Australia, working for the Ramones on their 1980 world tour, the kids at one of their shows were going mental and climbed onstage as usual. Working Johnny’s side of the stage, I had to keep it clear of any kids. When I was throwing kids offstage as fast as they were climbing on, I was pulled into the mob. I remember looking up as I laid on the floor. The kids spread out in a circle, surrounding me. I thought the mob was going to attack me. Instead they helped me up and back on to the stage. The band was mad when my experience overshadowed them in the show’s review in the paper the following day! *** RUSSELL CHUDNOFSKY (Lori McKenna/ Guitarzan/ Skypaint). On the road with Amelia White and Laura Veirs, on Route 5 near the California/Oregon border by Mt. Shasta on two hours of sleep, we hit a rest stop, which was a diner in the middle of nowhere. As I entered the restroom, I gazed upon a mangled bloody mannequin lying in the tub. I nearly screamed my head off. It looked as real as I’d imagined. I looked closer at this twisted ketchup- splattered piece of sickness and was dumbfounded who’d put this here in a place of business. As I left the restroom, a bunch of the local clientele, burly looking biker dudes, must have saw the paleness in my face, ’cause they were all laughing at me. It hit me that this what they did for fun in these parts. Frightening the bejesus out the folks from out of town stopping for a pee, and having a good laugh at their expense. *** MICHAEL EPSTEIN (The Motion Sick/ Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling): At about 3 am, after a show in Madison, Wisconsin, we were unloading our stuff for the night outside of a friend’s house, when a VERY drunk woman staggered by holding a bunch of flowers. She started mumbling incoherently and walked toward me with open arms as if to give me a hug. I just kind of stood there and let her approach. Instead of hugging me, though, she whacked me in the face with the flowers and laughed. She started chasing me around with the flowers as I ran away and screamed like a little girl. The rest of the band stood around laughing. I woke up the next day with a bit of swelling on my eyelid from the impact. *** SUSAN SCOTTI (Last Call Agency): When I tour-managed 90-year-old blues legend Honeyboy Edwards, we’d finish with a show and you’d think the man would be tired, but no! Up all night in the hotel room, drinking Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle, smoking, playing music, telling stories of his incredible life... I’d stumble to my room when the sun was coming up and within a couple of hours Honeyboy would call—“Baby! Time for breakfast!” And then we’d do it all over again every night throughout the tour. Honeyboy is a rock star. *** ERIC BAYLIES (Baylies Band/ Temple of Bon Matin): In Europe for a two-week tour in Temple, a guy hands out acid like candy. I love candy! It’s been awhile but the band did it, except our singer, who didn’t notice! Later, I heard music from the toilet. I realized a band had started in the club below. I fell down the stairs and limped outside past the row of prostitutes lingering by the door. Lost, tripping, and only speaking English, I somehow found my way back an hour later as the band was tuning up. Time to play! *** PREACHER JACK (Preacher Jack): Many moons ago in a far off land called Vancouver, Canada I had the wonderful opportunity of playing a few dates with Mr. “Illegal Smile” himself—Jon Prine. The year, my young friends, was 1979—I was touring on my first Rounder release and Canada was a barren and music starved country. With little to do after each performance in this land of hockey, hockey fans, and hockey rinks, we’d retire to the nearest roadside motel, settle in for the night, play a few songs to amuse each other and light up the holy herb. Oh Canada, God bless your wonderful clean air, spacious skies, and of course your VERY Holy Herb. *** NICK BLAKEY (The In Out/ Church): I did three tours as drummer with the In Out between 1998 and 2000 and I have scattered memories of some of the following: airport landing lights being placed directly behind me on stage in Berlin…kids backstage in Copenhagen who didn’t believe we all had day jobs…getting paid in books in Connecticut…freezing my ass off on a floor in Pittsburgh… Italian promoters giving us tons of food and booze and pats on the back… Cheater Slicks’ Tom Shannon making supreme coffee. *** MERRIE AMSTERBURG (Merrie Amsterburg): An offshore show: part of the pay was a free overnight on the island, which ended up being a stay at the club owner’s place. A wine collector and hot tub enthusiast, he wanted us to stay up all night listening to his Japanese imports of Hall & Oates live… Musing on the good luck of having such a place, he explained that he had once worked at a large corporation and was injured at a company picnic in a bizarre human pyramid accident; he got a huge settlement. We did not get in the hot tub. *** DAVE MIRABELLA (the Rationales): Driving to Chicago just after a blizzard hit Pennsylvania. Semis littering the sides of the roads. In Scranton after sitting at a dead stop in traffic for an hour and finding nothing on the PA radio but right-wing talk, I, oddly enough, stumbled onto the faint signal from WBZ in Boston. There I learned interstate 80 ahead was closed for at least a day. Not wanting to spend the next day(s) stuck I drove two miles backwards on the shoulder to the previous onramp. Took an extra eight hours through PA on local roads but I made the show. *** GENE JOHNSTON (Splint): We once had a Boston to Florida tour booked. Just before our Florida dates, Hurricane Wilma crushes the area. Our singer insisted “everything is cool bro—were gonna rock it.” After pleading to back out, we arrive and find out that our hotel is a pile of twisted metal and bricks and power is still down. We drove hours looking for rooming. The constant sight of twisted wreckage made us totally slaphappy and we started screaming “Boom!” at the site of every leveled structure until we lost our voices. Fortunately, the Hard Rock Café had generators and the crowd was pretty cool. Still didn’t get paid! Yeeehaaaaa! *** WALTER SICKERT (…& the Army of Broken Toys): D.I.Y. touring across the USA, I found myself in the grasslands of Montana where I came upon a beautiful vista. There was no one for miles, just myself and a bizarrely quiet sea of plant and animal. Engrossed in the serene silence I grabbed my guitar and started playing with the whistling of the grass, singing birds, and a faint baby rattle sound that came in and out. After an hour I made my way back to the car where I noticed a little sign that read “Rattlesnakes Spotted Beware”—and that’s how I played my first gig backed by a rattlesnake. *** FRANK ROWE (Classic Ruins): About fifteen years or so ago the Ruins went on a mini-tour that found us in a club in Allentown, PA. The club owner took me aside after our set, and said, “I heard you say you were from Boston. The guys playing tomorrow night are from Boston too, and they’re supposed to be these wild punks. Do you know them? Will they mess up the polyurethane I just put down on the stage?” He showed me the flyer: G.G. Allin and the Urine Dogs with a crotch angle shot of G.G. in a cowboy hat guzzling Comfort. “Oh,” I said, “You’ll be glad you’ve got that urethane down there...” *** MICHAEL BLOOM (Tim Mungenast & his Pre-existing Conditions/ Peace Chorus): When I was with Cul de Sac we did a West Coast tour that was lots of fun and almost even profitable. And there was enough wiggle room in the schedule that we could indulge our collector impulses. We visited a dozen amazing guitar, record, and book stores—the place in Tacoma that was a virtual museum of stomp boxes, the bookstore in Seattle that had literal catwalks above the racks, etc. My big find was an art book of surrealist painter Remedios Varo, which even impressed Glenn. We had to FedEx stuff home! *** KIER BYRNES (Three Day Threshold): Even after five European tours and a 1000 plus shows in the US, its still not uncommon for Three Day Threshold to have the very unfortunate Blues Brothers experience of having our bar bill be more than we made. And the kicker is, we make good money. *** SKINNY MIKE (Coffin Lids/ Almighty Terribles): Everyone knows what happens on the road stays on the road. Lolita: I guess we can assume that all these are answers were just made up.