BUSH IN ELEVATOR

Lolita: Well, if they’re in an elevator, that’s a great Question of the Month. Hey, Dana, what would you say to the president if you were stuck in an elevator with him? DANA COLLEY (A.K.A.C.O.D.): Going down? *** GAIL RUSH (Curve of the Earth): You are responsible for the deaths of over 4000 Americans and hundreds of thousand Iraqis. You’ve destroyed an entire country (Iraq) and made it a feeding ground for terrorists, which is was not before your invasion. You have been responsible for the systematic ruin of our middle class, and the poverty of those living close to the edge of a financial abyss. You have courted the rich and powerful and made them richer and more powerful. You have crushed the image of America and Americans under the heel of your $4,000.00 cowboy boots. You have sold our natural resources to the highest bidder and outsourced our jobs to countries who would work for our destruction. You have partnered with our enemies, and embarrassed our friends in the world. You have no shame because you are too stupid to realize you have done anything wrong. And you can’t even pronounce the word for which you placed this country in financial and moral ruin. It’s nu-clear not nuke-u-lar, you idiot. *** EDRIE (Walter Sickert & the Army of Broken Toys): Ummm... do I have to talk to him or can I just kick him in the balls and say, “There, now you know how it feels!” *** BOBY BEAR (local drum legend—list of affiliations are far too long to go into): Are you happy now? Just what the FUCK were you trying to prove? Now come the fuck clean on the subject of UFO’s, and while you’re at it, tell me, just WHERE you guys are hiding Elvis these days? *** DICK TATE (The Middle East/ Prime Movers): Thank you for making the Nixon years seem somewhat less awful. *** DAVE PAEK (Us Versus Them): Mr. President, with all due respect, you are ruining our nation. Do us a favor and please resign. *** WILL RAGANO (Count Zero): How do you sleep at night? Or… do you need help removing that smirk from you face? *** KIER BYRNES (Three Day Threshold): I’d get up really close to him, right in his face and just glare at him, totally ignoring his personal space. As soon as he seemed sufficiently bothered by this, I’d back off a bit and joke, “I’m just fucking with ya, George,” but then I’d yell at the top of my lungs right back in his face “LIKE YOU FUCKED WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE!” I’m sure shortly thereafter, I’ll be enjoying a nice trip to Guantanamo Bay. *** GENO JOHNSTON (Strawhorse): How many fingers am I holding up? *** PREACHER JACK (Preacher Jack): If I were stuck in an elevator with the “great decider” George Bush, I would say to him, “George, you profess to be a Christian but the Jesus YOU worship and the Jesus I worship are two very different people. My Jesus hates murder so he is anti-war, my Jesus values ALL life so he is anti-DP, my Jesus believes in equal rights for ALL so he supports a women’s right to choose, my Jesus loves all not just conservative republican donors. Oh, and by the way, I am playing the Pawtucket Film Festival on September 14th, and I am personally inviting you to come by—have a cold refreshment, some wonderful Iggy’s bread, and chill the freak out! *** DAVID AVERY (Powderfinger Promotions): Hey Bush, how’s Dick? *** JOE COUGHLIN (the Noise): So when are you gonna spill the truth about UFO’s, already? *** RICK BERLIN (Self): I’d hold his mouth open with one (gloved) hand, force feed him a tab of blotter acid, then close it up—like forcing a cat to swallow a pill—stick The Smirk in front of a cracked mirror as he hallucinates the entire population of the world in the elevator with him and ask, “hey, Bushie, ol’ white shoe, ol’ Yalie, ol’ good ol’ bad ol’ bastard boy, how can you sleep at night? And how much did you like letting ol’ Turd Blossom slip it in up the ol’ stove pipe in the wee hours?” *** NIKI LUPARELLI (The Steamy Bohemians): I’d probably say, “You know, George, the elevator won’t go any faster if you keep pressing the button... Got any blow?” *** JOHN BEAUDETTE (Destroy Babylon): Any last words, bitch? *** WILL DAILEY (Will Dailey): I’ve thought about this one for eight years. And I would say nothing and just give him a hug. It was a lack of compassion, human connection, and forgiveness that resulted in his poor performance on earth. Why deny him and myself any more? *** PETER WALSH (The Gobshites/ Meat Depressed): Couldn’t you at least say excuse me when you fart... or fuck up the country? *** MICHAEL BLOOM (Tim Mungenast & his Pre-existing Conditions/ Sgt. Maxwell’s Peace Chorus): I’d ask the preznit if he really thought he was going to get to heaven, reminding him of Matthew 25:46, the Sermon on the Mount, the injunction to “sell all you have and follow me,” and the line about the camel and the needle’s eye. Lolita: Oh yeah, I know that one—it’s in a song by Eno. I think Volcano Suns covered that one.  I guess I’ll be going to heaven because I like to sing along to that song.