PRESIDENTIAL PLANS
Lolita: Yeah, Roger, tell me what you think of those two guys who spend more on political ads ($5o million!) than I will make in my entire life (plus the lifetime incomes of the entire staff of the Noise). Maybe you’d like to extrapolate your answer over a delicious plate of salmon with rice and veggies—you’ll get miso soup too! ROGER MILLER (Mission of Burma/ Alloy Orchestra): If Obama wins, I will say to myself (for the first time as a mature adult): “I am proud to be an American.”  If McCain wins, I don’t know what the fuck I’ll do—hopefully nothing really really bad. *** KAREN DeBIASSE (Girl On Top): Whoever becomes president is just a puppet.  The plan is already set for the reason that person will be put in office be it Democrat or Republican.  My plans would be to see what they have planned. *** CORIN ASHLEY (the Pills): If McCain wins, I vow to spend an entire year in a T-shirt that reads “Are you fucking kidding me?” *** TIM EMSWILER (the Noise): I’m not one of those idiots that says, “If McCain gets elected, I’m fucking moving to Canada,” so regardless of who wins, I’m just going to work on polishing my praying skills. *** LIZ BORDEN (Liz Borden Band): It depends who wins. I am afraid McCain will be more of the same, and this war will go on and on. His running mate is cute and all, but I can’t take her seriously. If they win, I may move to a rural area, live off the land, drop out of society and start my own cult. When Obama wins, I will feel like there is hope and will celebrate with my friends with some drinks, music, and a lot of hope for our future. *** EDRIE (Walter Sickert & the Army of Broken Toys): When (not if) Barak wins I plan to Barak and roll all night and party every day. *** SHAWN WOLF WORTIS (Mardi Gras): If Obama wins I will crack a bottle of 19-year-old W.L. Weller (bourbon) and savor each sip, pondering life’s great promise. If McCain wins I will open a bottle of Wild Turkey and drink until I puke. *** DANNY MacLEOD (Loverless):  If McCain wins the election, our drummer Michael will die. Due to a continuation of W’s economic polices, Michael will no longer have food stamps, so he will have to choose between food and whiskey.  He invariably chooses whiskey, and eventually gets scurvy. With no affordable health care, he will have no alternative but to join the Air Force, who have now been deployed to China to insure the “security” of U.S.-owned companies.  While on patrol, Michael’s plane runs out of gas, because the military can no longer afford to fill the tanks of its fighter planes. You can save a drummer’s life.  Vote Obama. *** GARY WALEIK (Big Dipper/AMC Gremlin): WHEN Obama wins, I plan to stay in the States and hope that his administration can right the ship after the conservatives, thugs, and zealots managed to almost sink it. In the unlikely case that McCain wins, I plan to buy Iceland with my Homestead royalties and, from there, send bad mojo to neocons for the rest of my life while enjoying life in an unspoiled country populated by friendly, intelligent, progressive, politically savvy people. *** CARLENE BAROUS (Din/ Temper):  If Obama wins, I’ll write a prelude.  If McCain wins, I’ll write a march. *** SHADY (the Crushing Low/ the Noise): If McCain wins, I’m seriously thinking of moving out of the country. Not so much because of him, but Sarah Palin scares the shit out of me. There is a very real possibility that McCain will be unable to serve out his entire term and I can’t handle the prospect of “that one” running the country. Lolita: But at least Saturday Night Live’s ratings would continue to boom.