BEAT THE HEAT

Lolita: Hey Willie! I ran all the way to Gloucester to ask you this question… How do you beat the heat? WILLIE ALEXANDER (Boom Boom Band/ Persistence of Memory Orchestra): I love the heat—you can’t beat it. But if ya do, and I hate air conditioning, you just go to Boise, Idaho. It’s hot there but ya don’t sweat. Or stay here and jump off the greasy pole in Gloucester. *** PATRICK YERBY (Yerby): Just like Aaron Neville, I constantly lather myself in cocoa butter. *** ROBIN UMBLEY (the Noise): I’m a swimmer and a figure skater. Conveniently, I live down the street from the beach. The best way I know to beat the heat is to go for a nice swim in the cold Atlantic and top it off with a session at the ice rink. Or, all I have to do is go to work where the AC is painfully set on “meat locker.” Although it “beats the heat,” it’s a bit much. I end up wrapped up in polar fleece and can’t wait to get back out to the 90-degree temperature to defrost. *** JOHNNY ARGUEDAS (Arguedas Photography/ the Sneaks): I wear a merkin stuffed with dry ice. Cool and dry, that’s my motto. *** IAN ADAMS (Ian Adams): Honestly, I don’t try to “beat the heat.” I allow myself to be beaten. I allow myself to be hot, nasty, sweaty, and stinky. I don’t bitch about it either, I just think about January and how I’ll eventually be freezing my balls off. A cold beer is a gift from God on a hot summer night. Can’t wait. *** PREACHER JACK (Preacher Jack): I adopted Salem, Massachusetts as my hometown some 25 years ago, this is my summer routine. Come June 21 and the unbearable heat that follows I shed my winter beard and get my hair trimmed. In the cool of the morning I open my windows and take a refreshing air shower, let the invigorating pre-dawn breeze wash over my bony body. Next stop, the sitting bench in the tree lined park to sit under my favorite shady chestnut tree. Midday and I am off to the climate controlled environment of my beloved Wendy’s for a hearty summer salad concluding (most) days with a stroll over to Pickering Wharf to sit quietly next to the cool healing ocean water. *** JOE VIGLIONE (Visual Radio): I take T Max on my yacht and we head to Thailand sipping piña coladas and using old Thrills records as frisbees to generate a cool splash from the ocean. *** PJ ASPESI (Three Day Threshold): My roommates and I usually take off our shirts or pants (male and female respectively), and sit by the window A/C unit while our cat lays spread eagle on the floor to air himself out. Fanning and panting ensues. *** BOB GOBRON (Shakyfoot): Move back to Massachusetts. Lemme tell y’all sumpin. This ain’ heat. I lived in Atlanta for twelve years. I’m gowna tell ya ’bout some heat, chile. Lawdamercy! We’re in the arctic up here. My sister lives in the Berkshires and they use a down comforter all summer. On the Cape you need a sweatshirt at night in August. August in Georgia will usually have 20-plus days where it is 85 degrees by 8:00am. Highs in the high 90’s, 80% humidity. Oof. Still a great town though. We had such fun. Bars close at 4:00 y’all. But by Gawd it’s hot! *** MYRA FLYNN (Myra Flynn): I try to wear as little clothing as possible on stage without looking like a hussy. For the most part, it works, save for a few dirty old men. Staying hydrated with Smart Water and pineapple juice is always a must as well. Lolita: Myra, I’ve done everything to upgrade the intelligence of my water, but I don’t think schooling is paying off. Guess I’ll have to just stick with impressing those dirty old men.