Rita : Do you believe it's already time again to start picking up thoughtful gifts for everyone you care about? Lolita : I guess it's time to narrow down that “care about” list. I've got it down to two. Rita : Some people love giving presents every year. Lolita : I'm tired of receiving re-gifted items that were never meant for me. Maybe it would be a good idea to help people out with what gifts they should be giving. Rita : We're in a good position to help. Quick, get on the street and start asking people what gifts they'd like. But to make it a little interesting, make them describe the gift instead of just saying what it is. Lolita : Okay, I'll ask for a reply to, “Without saying what it is, describe a gift that you're hoping to get this holiday season.” MIKE PIEHL (Reverse): The gift I am hoping to get this holiday season is the opposite of being awake, it's not at all noisy and it rhymes with “sheep.” It's actually spelled exactly like “sheep” but with an “L” in place of the “H.” Figure this shit out yet? *** MONIQUE ORTIZ (A.K.A.C.O.D./ Bourbon Princess): I don't believe in gift giving for the holiday season. I prefer to cook big dinners for my friends or go to big dinners with friends. *** MARTY WHITE (Mr. Curt Ensemble): You know, I've been thinking, ever since my trip to Hawaii in October, it's been a long time since I've had something aged around 24 years that goes down real nice and easy, feels really warm and smooth. You know what I'm saying? I know you know what I'm talking about. And not to change the subject but that was a great choice for centerfold in November. Rock on—you guys are the balls. *** KAREN DEBIASSE (Girl on Top): T Max and Liz with a bow. *** PETE DEGRAAF (The Black/ Clear the Way/ Lucky Dog Music Hall ): It's wet, sticky, smells like rock 'n' roll, and is at least 80 proof. Lolita : Pete, I had a little too much to drink at that party last week. Those front-bum shots will not be gifts for the holiday. *** ANNA PRICE (The Silver Lining): What I'd like for Christmas would be a piece of paper that I and four other people would have to sign that would guarantee us enough money that we could all quit our day-jobs. Of course, I already quit my day-job, but this piece of paper would render that move an intelligent and well thought out one, rather than rash and slightly retarded. *** ERIC WELSH (Tons Of Chill/ Chill House Studios): A gift does not have to be a physical thing. In truth, I think that gifts are best presented with emotional attachment. Our tradition of giving out items and cloth to each other is old news, yet it is hard to break that tradition since someone buys you “a gift” and you therefore buy them something in return. It doesn't make sense in the big picture of life for me. The gift I would like is not something one can buy; it's something that friends and/or family will give to me that makes my life start kicking serious ass. Lolita : If I catch you kicking anyone's ass I'm gonna stop giving you steroids. *** EVIL TRAVIS (The Evil Travis Condensation): A zipper truck. Please someone get me a zipper truck so I can change the medians around on the southeast expressway. Sorry, I know I wasn't supposed to say what it was, but I really, really want one and how am I supposed to get one without saying what it is? God bless the spirit of getting! *** MICHAEL EPSTEIN (The Motion Sick/ Blitzkriegbliss): A light-haired being that agrees to be in frequent close proximity to me for the remainder of her natural existence. Lolita : You don't have to make it so blatant Michael, but you haven't even asked me on a date yet.

Tammy Long (Killer Abs) Photo: Nicole Tammaro