TOP SHELF TALES

Rita: Yes, Lolita, that’s exactly what I meant—will those fine musicians drown themselves in the best whiskey in town. Now be a good sewer rat and ask our friends to describe someone they saw who was very drunk. Lolita: Stagger into place and spit out a drunken tale… SEAN MURRAY (Jake & the Jakes): I was staying over a friend’s house after a long night of drinking, my brother and his friend stayed over as well. My brother, who is not known for getting sick, got sick in the bathroom during the early morning and left it since everyone was asleep. My brother’s friend, who is known for getting sick, figured he did it and though he couldn’t remember doing it. He cleaned it up. My brother and I were in hysterics and still are. *** NICK BLAKEY (The In Out/ Church): Someone redecorated their bathroom organically, shall we say, via horizontal frontal blasting. This was followed by a slip on the bedroom rug and an upended full body crash (ever seen 235 lbs do that?) Moral of the story: NEVER follow a Rochefort 10 with an Avery Maharaja and finish off with a Stone Double Bastard after you’ve already had a few strong ones. I was in a good deal of physical pain for weeks afterwards. *** TIM FARRELL (Miskatonic): Once my friend Ed and myself were getting hammered at a bar when he sees this table full of cute girls and buys two pitchers of beer and starts heading for them, dancing and spilling beer the whole way. Amazingly he makes it to the table with the pitchers in tact, slams them down on the table and says, “let’s drink!” Surprisingly they were totally psyched! Unfortunately, he then lost his balance, fell into the table and sent the beer flying everywhere. Then he just gets up and walks away. I was laughing so hard I nearly peed myself. *** SHAUN WOLF WORTIS (Gato Malo): Once saw a guy make love to a bed of flowers. He had dug a hole in the dirt and was pumping away. Granted, he was on MDMA at the time, as well as being drunk. *** EMSTERLY (The Noise): At a party last winter, a really drunk girl decided to do a somersault over the beer pong table. Next thing I knew, there was blood everywhere and she had to be rushed to the hospital. She ended up with two missing teeth, lots of hospital bills, and her jaw wired shut for six weeks. I guess she was lucky because she was so drunk at the time that breaking her jaw didn’t hurt too much. *** TIM CASEY (Chillgroove): I saw a drunk take a dump on the trolley stop at Brigham Circle. He was shuffling along while kind of wiping his rear against the jersey barrier, so he was leaving a trail against the wall and droppings on the platform. I was in high school; it was a searing hot day and everyone was sweating profusely on the bus I was riding. That was the grossest experience I’ve ever had. *** SIMON RITT (The Darlings): Once an uninvited drunk person entered the old, upstairs dressing room at Bunratty’s moments before whatever big show I was about to play. It was a small space and he was stoned, smashed, loaded and loud. After briefly raising some good-natured hell he split. As he stumbled out the door I looked next to me on the small couch where Mr. Drunk Guy had just been sitting and found the large bag of marijuana that moments before he had been waving around like a big shot. That night I played like a god! *** PETER RINNING (QRSTs): A long, long, long time ago... an ex-girlfriend had just bought a new Honda CRX and we decided to celebrate. As the evening wore on, she became too drunk to drive (I was less drunk). As we were driving home, she was in the passenger seat and was not in good shape. She had to throw up and thought her window was open—but alas, it was not! She puked all over her brand new car. Nice way to break it in. *** KEN FIELD (Revolutionary Snake Ensemble/ Birdsongs of the Mesozoic): A number of years ago in an unnamed city, a member of a group I was playing with got very drunk after a gig. We were staying at the home of a well-known musician with whom we shared the bill. Two of us were crashing in that musician’s garage recording studio. In the middle of the night I heard some noise—my fellow band-member had gotten up to relieve himself against the side of the garage, but apparently he was too drunk to realize that he was doing so from the inside, not the outside, of the garage. *** JOHN BLOUT (Watts): I witnessed a drunk girl climb up into the rafters during one of the Stones shows at Fenway. She lost her grip and fell from the highest point she reached. She somehow landed on her feet and shattered her ankles. She’s lucky that’s all she shattered! *** MIKE DIPLOMAT (The Flashing Reds): After a solid night of drink at the Middle East, I saw a friend of mine pretend that he was a car in Central Square. He kept running into Mass. Ave. saying, “I need to make the light, I need to make the light.” He finally came to his senses when one of the Cambridge renegade bikers (you know, pro-environment/ car attack dogs) almost ran him over. It is safe to say that I was able to straighten him out with a little cheese wiz (take that ozone layer) before he crashed on my couch—shaved eyebrows is so 1986. *** GLENN WILLIAMS (LowBudget Records): I once saw a guy at a house party take a big bite out of this plant with huge green leaves on it. It turned out to be this super poisonous thing from the Orient. His face blow up and his gums began to bleed. To top it off the alcohol enhanced the reaction. We all thought he was a dead guy. Thank goodness he pulled through, but the idiot was sick for three weeks. Moral, never mix wild vegetation with booze. At least oriental vegetation. *** JOHN BEAUDETTE (Destroy Babylon): One night during a kegger in the suburbs, my friend and I thought it would be funny to try on the dog’s electric collar and run as fast as we could through the electric fence. We dropped like drunken flies once we got past the invisible line, and needless to say, we were wasted enough to just barely feel the giant welts left on our necks. Lolita: I hope you got that on videotape. I’m sure it could end up in one of those masochistic movies or at least America’s Funniest Home Videos.