BUMPS IN THE ROAD

      Lolita: What? I can’t hear you. If you want me to ask another question, send people over here. I’m under my car fixing my muffler. ARTHUR FREEDMAN (Boston Music Chronicler): I was on a flight over the Pacific, returning from being chased by bulls while I was looking for ’shrooms. The plane hit turbulence and banged me right out of the seat. This went on for an hour or longer. I was so stoned on Maui’s best that I couldn’t find the hotel I had parked at and had to pay the driver from the totally wrong but similarly sounding hotel’s parking facility. I got my van back... and had a swell ride home on Rte 66. *** AUDREY RYAN (Audrey Ryan): While touring solo in the U.K. I was sandwiched between two cock rock bands in a smelly club outside Manchester. After my set, sausage rock men swarmed me trying to get a piece of the American. At first it seemed nice that they wanted to buy my CD, but then it became clear that one wanted to ravage me in some dark pit of the basement. I fled the club after calling him a fucking douchbag. At the bus station I waited ’til 3:00am for a bus back to Manchester but none came. Moral of story: don’t go to Manchester, U.K. if you are a female alone. *** TIM FARRELL (Miskatonic): Hmmm... so many to choose from, and they all involve airlines! I’d have to say it was when I was coming back from DC. We got delayed three hours in the terminal, then two more on the tarmac, with the toilet overflowing! I was lucky enough to be in the back seat next to it. Lovely aroma. Then the stewardess announces that even though we don’t know when we’ll be taking off that we’ll have to hold it until we get to Boston, because they’ll cancel the flight if we have to go back to the gate to use the bathroom. Nice! *** JASON HALOGEN (The Luxury/ Mad Science Studios): On the first Halogens East Coast tour, we played a mind-blowing show in what at first appeared to be a family-friendly restaurant in Virginia, but by show’s end had turned into an orgy of “lesbian lip-lock” and “underwear modeling” contests (with a noted absence of actual underwear), followed by a fantastic after-party. We finished the tour the next day in New Jersey, following one of the worst bands ever (www.wheresmary.com), where we literally played for the doorman, bartender, and one friend from New Jersey. We didn’t talk much on the way home, but most of the talking centered around how we clearly should have gone straight back home after Virginia. *** SHADY (The Crushing Low/The Noise): A few years ago I had to go to Europe for work—I was completely psyched ’cause I had never been. My plane was delayed for 10 hours at Logan—an hour at a time. By the time I got to the U.K., it was 8:00am, so I had to go directly to the office. Sleep? Maybe an hour on the plane. Good times. *** SEAN MURRAY (Jake & the Jakes): On my way to visit friends for Thanksgiving in Chicago, I was on my twelfth hour of driving on about two hours sleep. I decided to pull off and get some rest in a dive motel. When I got to my room I almost immediately passed out from being exhausted. Two hours into my coma rest I heard a car speeding in the parking lot—it hit parked cars then SLAMMED into my side of the building two doors down. After all said and done that was the only two hours of rest I had for the night. Nobody died. The driver was arrested. *** JIMMY FOX (Poverty Line Old Time Band/ Nazzcar Rain Delay): We had an afternoon gig in Buffalo and wanted to relax but were without a plan. We noticed a dude standing beneath an apartment building window on his cell phone and suddenly something would drop down. He’d pick it up and walk away come back and call again. We talked to him and bought a $20. Unfortunately he sold me sugarcoated oregano. We were bummed, but had to play our gig. As we were loading out the guy comes strolling by us. He didn’t recognize us, but when he did, we got our money back after a good chase! *** GAIL RUSH (New Alliance / Curve of the Earth Records): We were trying to return a Budget rental car before our flight out of Grand Rapids, Michigan. Although we were running two hours early, the map supplied by Budget led us to a new condo building instead of their agency, plus their phone number was disconnected. We were forced to go to the airport and follow their bus back to the location. “Old map” we were told—apparently YEARS old. We missed our plane and were forced to wait six hours for the next flight to Chicago, then a few more hours in Chicago. They gave us a $25.00 voucher for future car rentals for our discomfort. *** DJ MATTHEW GRIFFIN (The Noise): My family went to New York City for Christmas Eve in 1982. We sang in a men’s and boy’s choir and my brother and I sang a duet of “Silent Night” in German at St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Nerve wracking enough? On the ride back there was a snowstorm. The car was on its last legs and my father had ropes tied to the clutch and brake pads. Every time he needed to shift gears or break, he had to pull one. The windshield was freezing over and my mother would press her hands to the glass to try to thaw it. *** GENE JOHNSTON (Splint):  Even though my fear of flying can only be surpassed by my wife, Sheila, we decided to vacation in Cancun.  Things were dandy until we got on our connecting flight in Florida and got a heavy turbulence warning over the intercom from the pilot. Next thing we know, the plane is flipping through the clouds like a fallen leaf. Then the oxygen masks dropped down, things are breaking, Sheila is crying, attendants are crying, barf bags are hitting the floor and the pilot is again on the intercom talking about a turbulence related death in Japan.  Good times. *** STIX SIGMA (The Allstonians/The Hammond Group): Two Allstonians incidents come to mind—the 17 hour van ride to Philadelphia during a major blizzard where we finally arrived at the club only to be greeted with “well, the local band didn’t even make it tonight but why don’t you set up and play anyway?” And the East Coast tour where our guitarist at the time had borrowed Nigel’s prized Rickenbacker electric, only to leave it at the club in DC. Two weeks later on the day of the final drive home we had to wait around for hours for the club to open in order to claim the guitar. *** EMSTERLY (The Noise): Although I suppose I should consider myself lucky that this is the worst thing that has happened to me throughout my travels: the worst travel experience I can remember is going to Italy with my dad two summers ago because everyone kept thinking I was his wife. Eww!  *** MIKE DIPLOMAT (The Flashing Reds): After falling asleep in the back seat for a few hours with my previous band while returning from Quebec, I wake up and see ocean.  Now, I don’t recall salt water between Quebec City and northern New Hampshire.  I tell the bass player/ asshole/ driver that I need to be back for Monday to take a test— so he pulls over and asks some lumberjack directions.  From the car I hear that annoying French laugh.  If anyone is curious as to what is north of Quebec City, you guessed it—nothing.  I made it back late Monday in just enough time to flunk the exam and break up the band. *** FRANCIS DiMENNO (Wrong Hero/ The Noise): I’ve criss-crossed the United States several times by bus and train, but the first time I was ever on a plane was in 1971, on Northwest Orient to Minneapolis/ St. Paul. I was seated between two chain-smoking sailors who told me never, never, under any circumstances, to join the Navy. It wasn’t a very pleasant ride, but it was eminently sound advice. *** IAN JAMES (Ian James): My worst travel experience was in 1998, on a trip to Mexico City alone. I had just turned 21 and didn’t have a credit card yet. The palace that I stayed in didn’t accept travelers’ checks as a method of payment, so I went there with $1600 in cash for my expenses. Three days before I left for the trip, the Wall Street Journal ran an article about Americans being kidnapped in Mexico City and tortured for ransoms. Needless to say I was paranoid as soon as I landed with all that money in my pocket (one U.S. dollar equaled eight pesos). Plus I didn’t think it would be safe for me to eat there. Everything turned out fine for me, but it was the scariest trip of my life. *** ROBIN UMBLEY (The Noise): I don’t have bad travel experiences—I work for an airline, so after all, I cause them! I have the exalted power to create bad weather, air traffic snarls, lines, understaffing, bad government policies, pay cuts, and low morale. I can even send luggage through warps in the space-time continuum. I control that mysterious force that causes perfectly sound airplanes to have mechanical problems and make pilots call in sick. And it was my idea to make people walk barefoot through the metal detector just for the sheer amusement of it all. I must, ’cause so many passengers have told me so. Lolita: Thanks for fessing up, Robin. Now I know who to blame everything on.